i've often wondered if i'm not being indulgent by pursuing a second master's degree. i know my reasons and rationalizations for doing so, and when you take everything together, it makes sense. but i keep having to face a singular reality in the context of workshops: i'm not really good enough. i'm 35--i should be published by now (or should have been published more than twice by now). my writing, at least, should be beyond the place it is currently. most of my classmates are 10 years my junior, and outclass me in every way. i had the same issue with poetry at Hopkins.
i don't prize sentimentality. i don't think i should be nurturing an unfeasible idea.
i had a piece workshopped today--something i wrote 3 or more years ago--and i felt, keenly, all that was wrong with it. at the same time, i'm frustrated, because when i read other people's work (that gets praised), i often can't tell why what they're doing is more successful than what i'm doing. it's like trying to solve the rubik's cube. i can't find the trick, the secret move that will work every time.
i think i'll stick out the program because of its emphasis on publication design. i'll let that lead me to a much more practical end. i think i could be a good magazine editor; i could supplement that with teaching some continuing ed courses. of course, in a year, i may decide to cut the program, in its entirety, as a loss as well.
i'm supposed to do an independent study this summer, but maybe i shouldn't waste the instructor's time. writing is a craft, but there's something about it that is--that must be--inherent.
the apt cliche? those who can't do, teach.
on my way home from this demoralizing workshop experience, i stopped off at Eddie's and bought a bottle of Gato Negro (surprisingly good wine for 4.50 a bottle). a Shiraz--the distant cousin of the more coveted Cabernet--outclasses the too easily gotten Merlot.
i'm about to walk my dog and reconsider some things.
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Not that it particularly matters, but this is exactly how I've always felt about poetry.
ReplyDeleteThis is because of your workshop in Marion's class? My dear, I think your piece is great. It's so YOU. And I don't even know you that well. But, I've got a feeling......
ReplyDeleteYou're super smart and this surfaces in your writing in a very whipping self-depricating sentimental way (Again, how many adjectives do I REALLY need to use?). Still, I, personally, feel that sometimes during our workshops we, as your critical mass audience, don't get apt time in which to convey our feelings back to you. Especially on your drafts, we just scribble, scribble, scribble. And, I think, in part, perhaps you're feeling this way because you read "Truth and Beauty" this week. Am I wrong?
Teeganholiday,
ReplyDeletethanks so much for your comments. i was so inexplicably down about that workshop--and i had zero perspective, as you could tell, i'm sure. i'm sure Truth and Beauty impacted me, but more often than not i'm plagued by thoughts that i'm kidding myself about having a career in writing, and it just came to a head that day... See you next week, and thanks again for throwing me a little rope!